Friday, August 8, 2008

Not to sound like i'm going off the shallow end here, but...

this is my first ditch effort at writing this post. so. here is the story. Amber begins this whole thing on cliches and improperly used ones, then we both butcher one in the same week. I said separating hairs and i forget which one she messed up. So then it turned into 'lets see how many we can butcher!' now, 150+ butchered cliches later (oh the probabilities are endless on cliches), comes the epic story:

I woke up that morning, happy as an oyster to be alive. I wasnt always the sharpest tool in the barn, but if you cant beat 'em, stick with 'em, right? anyways, we're just separating hairs. I went downstairs for breakfast--the usual bowl of cereal for me. It was a good thing too because i got the last bit of milk! You know what they say- the early bird gets the slug. Me, cereal, and milk go together like three peas in a pod. I even went the whole 8 yards and put my dishes in the dish washer! my mom was on cloud 10. We're not always on the same airwave when it comes to cleaning up and spitting on the spots. Sometimes i get into a cucumber because i want to go hang out but my room isnt clean. Not happening today.

Anyway, i was just putting on my shoes to go outside but just then it started pouring cats and geese! I tried not to get my underwear in a heap about it, but i figured every cloud has a golden lining. i went to find putzer to see what he was doing. He was sleeping. Of course. He is always late to bed, late to rise. I hate to throw him under the taxi, but he looks dead as a doorknob when he is sleeping. I guess every rose has its leaf.

"Putzer! Putzer get up! lets go do something." He is hard as thumbtacks to wake up. "Putzerrrrrrr come on." This is getting out of foot. "Putz. i am going to tickle you till you get up!" no movement. i sat on him and tickled him and said "you going to come hang out with me now? huh? huh?" he mumbled something. "Speak now or forever hold your pee!" he couldnt get a word in side-ways, so i let him up.

"Tbone i feel a bit under the storm" he muttered. I may not be my brother's guard, but i'll bet my top dollar he just wanted to hit the case again.

"You dont stand a choice against me. come now, get out of bed. what do you wantto go do? shoot the air in the basement? go head over to K-Rogers?"

"Quit bustin my chips Tbone i want to just hit the straw" I was stale out of ideas. something caught my attention right quick.

"WOAH PUTZER!" I cried. "DID YOU JUST SLICE THE CHEESE?!" He was laughing like a jackal. He really caught me on guard with that one. He gave me the duckbumps with that one. I hate it when people pull the carpet out from under me like that.

"Better keep your fingers curled that i'll ever hang out with you again after that one" I know he's got a heart of silver inside. "This aint over till the fat guy sings!!." mama heard my yelling through the paper thick walls and came fast as thunder to see what the commotion was.

"andrew out of bed. T will go to the library with you." Me? go to the library? that was below the buckle, but thats the way the muffin crumbles.

I usually protest when i have to read, but my hands were bound. today i felt like going above and below the call of duty. I should have nipped it in the stem and said i couldnt read and sat around at hue, but i didnt want to be a bump on the stick all day. I decided to go become a booksnake and find something to read. we raced to the car "last one there is a rotten apple!" we jumped in the car--the thing can turn on a quarter--and drove to the library

I looked at all the books and couldnt decide what to read! I guess the grass really is greener on this side, under your own feet! everyone knows you cant judge a book by its pagenumbers, so i had to read a few pages from all of them. Needless to say, none of them were my cup of drink. i went to find putzer and found him picking a cartiledge with the librarian.

"Tbone i need two bucks!"

"you ripped a nasty one on me this morning. i'm not giving you two bucks."

"But Tbone my book is two days late and i'm two dollars short!"

"better never than late" muttered the librarian amidst our argument.

"put a top on it, lady." we both said. i guess great minds to think twice.

"and dont speak until your spoken for" putz went on.

"i'm just trying to make ends meat here." she quipped.

"anyways, Tbone, thats just water under the road." i went out on a stick on this one and gave him the two bucks. I always have money on me because i never get caught up the creek with a paddle.

"you better pay me back or else i'll throw my cap in the ring and get you back." hey, a dollar saved is only a penny spent!

on our way out, Putzer said

"she doesnt sit a chance making ends meet as a librarian."

"well arent you the coolest thing since sliced tomatoes."

"I'll keep garbage talking if i please" he said.

"Youre going down a slippery soap with that attitude. the stars are the limit for you, putz. Just bloom where you landed and you'll be a foot in to be rich one day."

"You think so?" he asked.

"Easy as cake. piece of pie. i'll let you pick my mind about it later. we've got go get home now."

To be continued....

(for my sisters account of our cliche saga, click here)


sassparilla said...

i'm DYING. now check mine out.

sassparilla said...

also -- booksnake? that was the funniest thing i've heard all day.

great way to work in "two days late and two dollars short."