Sunday, November 18, 2007

Secession

Dear friends and family,

I have embarked on a mission to free my people of the 2200 floor from the tyrant commonly refered to as Paul. I have rallied some supporters and drafted a declaration. We have signed it and will march to the barricades soon to deliver our declaration of independence. We are no longer May hall 2200, but rather the United Emirates of 2200. Here is our declaration:

In an unidentified Room November 17th 2007


The Unanimous Declaration of these rooms of 2200, In the course of a semester, it becomes necessary that individuals must dissolve their ties to forces that do restrict their natural housing rights. Having exercised sufficient appeals and appeasement the people of 2200 floor do feel that it is their solemn right and duty to break the bonds that tie them to oppressive figures.

We hold these truths to be self evident that all men at BYU are created equal. That they are endowed by their housing contracts with certain unalienable rights among these are the rights to study, socialize, and live within the honor code without unnecessary impediment. That to secure these rights, Hall Authority figures are granted certain rights and privileges to aid them in the general protection of these rights. We also do declare that the only purpose of authority figures is to protect and promote these rights. And when upon repeated occasion authority, granted by the people, has been misused to violate the general rights of the people, it becomes necessary and divine that those under such conditions expel the oppressive force.

Among the offenses that May Hall leadership has committed against those among living in the 2200 area are:

The right to view the beauty of the world without impeding barriers upon our windows (aka screens)

The right to fasten appropriate displays on our walls by non-destructive means

The forced defrosting of the ice chests during the living quarters inspection

The frivolous demands placed upon us during times of academic stress

The units of temperature control consistently fail to work

The slandering and attempted removal of our fully clothed and modest Jocelyn

The failure to provide due process and unjust accusations against one Skylar Brown

The Display of music and movies has been suppressed under the guise of federal law, though such localized sharing is clearly allowed under the Copyright Law of 1978: Chapter 1 Section 110 subsection 5.

Requests for funds allocated for public gatherings have been delayed and suppressed

The failure to provide proper space for the removal of daily garbage within a reasonable distance

Paper for the wiping of rumps has been withheld for unknown and destructive purposes. The infrequently provided paper is too thin and rough to be used and is, shall we say, uncomfortable

The showers have not been maintained to a sanitary degree and we bathe in our own filth

The right to Gauntlet has been violated

Private social functions have been excessively monitored
Therefore in the light of such grievous offenses we hereby do shed the name of May Hall 2200. We hereby formally declare ourselves fully independent and place the name and mantle upon ourselves as the United Emirates of 2200. And with that name comes the full immunities and protections that any sovereign living quarters do enjoy, including and not limited to the rights to establish our own lobby and visiting hours. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our honor code.


(signed, all members of the floor formerly called May Hall 2200)

I hope all is well with you and that this revolution may inspire your own desires to overthrow tyrannical rule. May the force be with you.

Taylor Jensen

3 comments:

Camie said...

Taylor--
What can I say?? You are CRAZY! Good luck in the revolution.

Matt said...

Taylor--are you spending too much time studying your social contract theory in American Heritage?? Hope you ace your test on it!

Matt
ps--who is Jocelyn??

sassparilla said...

ahh, freshman year...